<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I like digging holes, and hiding things inside them by Multifandom_damnation</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22808737">I like digging holes, and hiding things inside them</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation'>Multifandom_damnation</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Bonding, Frumpkin is an Emotional Support Animal (Critical Role), Gen, Mind Control Aftermath &amp; Recovery, Sad Yasha (Critical Role), Team Dynamics, Team as Family, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 09:48:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,897</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22808737</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yasha's return from Obann's control has so far not been easy, and she might never get over him messing with her head and making her hurt innocent people and those that she loved. When nobody else has succeeded in talking her out of her funk, Caleb decides that maybe he's the best person who can talk to her about this issue, and maybe gain a closer friend in the process.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caleb Widogast &amp; Yasha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I like digging holes, and hiding things inside them</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is somehow both longer and shorter than I wanted it to be. I was re-watching old episodes (I like background sound when I'm home alone, sue me) and watched c2e55 and remembered that Caleb was ALSO mind controlled to hurt his friends pretty badly, and I realized that if anyone was going to understand what Yasha was going to, to an extent, it would be Caleb, so enjoy this mess.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was clear, during the few moments of downtime they had between visiting the hag at the ass-end of Kamorda to free Nott from her curse and visiting Caduceus’s long-lost family out in the middle of a jungle suspended on the ocean, that Yasha wasn’t doing so well.</p><p>And really, while Caleb should have seen the signs long ago, he had been too self-absorbed with creating Nott’s spell and sussing out Essek and being proud of himself for staying and not running away when he had the chance, that he hadn’t noticed that Yasha wasn’t entirely herself. Or maybe she was, and the Yasha they knew was a Yasha based on the people around her, and now that Molly was dead in the ground, Yasha no longer knew how to be that woman.</p><p>Once Caleb had finally pulled his head out of his spellbook, he was on his way to take a dip in the hot-tub that Caduceus had set up and partake in some tea and tiny sandwiches, when he crossed the outside of Yasha’s room, where Fjord leant against the wall with his arms crossed against his chest, and Jester closed the door behind her with a dejected sigh. He came to a sudden stop as he watched them. “Uh… is something wrong?”</p><p>Sighing loudly, Jester collapsed like a damsel in distress and Fjord jerked out his arms to catch her before she could hit the floor. “It’s Yasha. We’ve been trying for an <em> hour </em>and she still won’t come out of her room. Something is wrong with her, I know it, but she won’t talk to us.”</p><p>Caleb knew that he was out of his depth, but he couldn’t stop himself from trying anyway. “Maybe she just needs some space? We’ve been in very close quarters for a very long while now, considering all the nights we’ve had to camp on the road. I’m sure, travelling with Obann didn’t give her the luxury of sleeping in a glowing bubble with six other people.”</p><p>"We've been giving her space the whole time!” Jester insisted, seemingly getting more frustrated the more words she spoke. “We haven’t pushed her or made her do anything, we didn’t make her talk about why she let herself get beaten up in the cage fight, we didn’t make her talk about what happened with her and Obann, but now I’m getting worried, and she won’t even come out of her room to eat or practice her harp or take a walk to the store with me!”</p><p>“I must admit, I’m not one to jump to conclusions and all that,” Fjord interrupted before Caleb could reply to Jester’s frantic justification. “But I too am getting worried about her. I haven’t seen her like this since we were taken by the Iron Shepherds, and again when Molly died. It’s.... troubling to say the least.”</p><p>Worrying at his lip, Caleb looked towards Yasha’s closed bedroom door and resisted very hard not to turn away. He knew that realistically, he absolutely should turn away and forget that this conversation ever happened, and apologise to Fjord and Jester for not being of much help, but for some reason, he couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, he was the best person who could help. Maybe the only reason.</p><p>“I will… give it a try,” he said before he brushed beside Jester and opened the door to Yasha’s room.</p><p>The inside of the room was as dark as pitch, and Caleb had to stumble around slowly with his arms held out in front of him so he didn’t run into anything as he navigated the unfamiliar room in the darkness. He found the edge of the bed by whacking his shins up against it, and after swearing venomously under his breath in Zemnian, he stood there in silence until his eyes adjusted to the dark, blinking fast.</p><p>Eventually, the room revealed himself to him, and Caleb was very aware of Yasha sitting at the head of the bed with her legs swung over the sides and her eyes focused on the wall-wide mural of delicately painted flora and a tiny dick hidden somewhere amongst the brilliantly coloured petals. Even in the dark, the colour was vivid and the landscape was heavily detailed, even to Caleb’s eye, who was trained for magic and learning, not the intricacies of the artistic passion. Every paint stroke looked calm and calculated as if it came from a practised hand, and even if Caleb hadn’t known about Jester’s side-project while Yasha wasn’t looking, he would have been able to identify her handiwork anywhere. She truly was talented.</p><p>He would have expected that between Caleb bursting into her room unannounced and him stumbling around in silence for a few minutes, Yasha would have at least said something, but she didn’t so much as look at him during the whole time. Caleb thought that it was a little weird, but knew better than to bring it up.</p><p>“Uh, hello, Miss Yasha,” Caleb cleared his throat just to break through the suffocating silence. He waved his hand vaguely to the unoccupied end of the bed. “I was wondering… may I sit?”</p><p>Disinterested, Yasha turned her head to look at where Caleb was waving at before nodding once and turning back to the mural. Caleb took that as a wordless agreement, and he sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed for a little while, regretting coming in here and wishing dearly that he had bitten his tongue when he had the chance. It would have given him a well-needed opportunity to think things through but this time he had pulled a Fjord and put his sticky fingers in places where he shouldn’t. Yasha didn’t acknowledge him as he summoned Frumpkin and placed him on the bed between them, curled up and purring.</p><p>They sat in silence, both waiting for the other to shatter the quiet, and Caleb occupied himself with patting Frumpkin while he gathered his thoughts. “I uh…” Caleb was the first to break, but of course, he was. He was patient, but only when it came to spells and learning and magic. Not quite… waiting for people to tell him what was bothering them. He wasn’t really a people person. He didn’t understand them quite as much he understood his spells and his books. “It’s been brought to my attention that you’ve um… been a little reclused for the past few weeks, and I know that Jester-”</p><p>“If Jester sent you to talk to me,” Yasha said, her voice clipped. “You might as well leave now.”</p><p>“Nobody sent me to do anything,” Caleb objected. “In fact, quite the opposite. I volunteered to… see how you were doing. Not that I’m doing much seeing. It’s very dark in here.”</p><p>Still, Yasha refused to turn her eyes to him and focused intently on the hand-painted mural that decorated the whole length of the back wall. “I’m fine,” she said, but her voice didn’t contain the emotion he had expected. Although, the lack of emotion is what he should have expected. “You’re all worried about me for nothing. I just need some space, that’s all. I don’t know why that’s such a big deal.”</p><p>Shrugging, Caleb looked up at Yasha through his hair as he continued to run his fingers gently over Frumpkin’s fur, so Yasha didn’t feel quite so exposed, even though she was very aware that Caleb had no vision in the dark. “I’m not worried about you. I think, given the circumstances and what you’ve gone through in recent months, your reaction is more than reasonable. I will admit, I was a little worried about you during the fighting ring, but I thought that other than that, you’ve handled it all very well. As far as I know, I haven’t got any reason to be concerned with your welfare.”</p><p>“Then why are you here?” Yasha said slowly as if speaking to a child, which Caleb did not appreciate, but he could feel her palpable frustration from where he sat on the opposite end of the bed, so he let it slide. </p><p>“I’m not quite sure. A spur of the moment decision, to be quite frank,” Caleb admitted. “I suppose that while I’m here, I could… express my empathy to your situation. Or, well, your <em>previous </em>situation, I should say. I too know what it’s like to… to have someone else’s thoughts in your head, and have your actions no longer be your own.”</p><p>That comment got her attention and she finally, <em> finally </em>turned her head to look at him, slowly, so slowly, but eventually, her eyes rested on him and they shone wetly in the darkness, strangely bright. “What do you mean? Did Obann get to you too?”</p><p>“Uh- no,” Caleb shook his head. His hair was getting long, and it shifted and fell in his eyes at the movement, and he shoved it away behind his hair with a flare of frustration. It needed to be cut soon before it got in the way of more important things. “I’m not talking about recently. I mean back in Asarius when we fought those demons under the well. Do you remember? Jester closed a rift to the abys and a… bull monster came through? That’s where Beau got her gloves.”</p><p>“I remember,” Yasha said quietly. “I don’t remember you being… controlled.”</p><p>That brought a laugh to Caleb’s lips. He barely remembered getting controlled either, but he remembered the sickly-sweet voice telling him to fight for his life and waking up in confusion with the cavern on fire and his friends blistered and burned and everyone looking at him in betrayal. “You think that I would often suddenly light you all on fire with a Fireball on a whim?” Caleb asked. “No, that wasn’t me. Most of that battle wasn’t me. It was one of those demons- the Succubus.”</p><p>“Oh,” Yasha blinked. “I didn’t know that. I think the Incubus got to me, but I don’t remember it happening to you.”</p><p>Caleb tilted his head. “Huh. I don’t remember it getting you either. I barely remember everything at all, honestly. But I suppose I am here to tell you that… hm. I just wanted you to know that I know what you are feeling, to an extent. I too was forced to hurt people I cared about with no control over it. I did things that I wasn’t proud of, and that I've made a very good effort to prevent it from occurring again. I certainly don’t want the others to think that I’m going AWOL.”</p><p>“I think I remember,” Yasha said, but she still sounded uncertain. She turned her eyes away and returned to staring blankly at the mural. </p><p>Worrying at his lip, Caleb tried to think of the right thing to say, but nothing came to him. He didn’t like the empty look in Yasha’s eyes- he recognised it, and knew it was a look of someone trying to mentally distance themself from a situation when it was physically impossible, but nevertheless, he didn’t have to like it even though he recognized it. He sent Frumpkin to jump into her lap and make a fuss, and he mewed so loudly once he did that it snapped Yasha out of her funk and turned her attention to the needy cat. "I didn't come here to make you feel guilty, Yasha. I came to let you know that... I can understand, to a much smaller extent, what you’re going through. It is difficult. To know that people you love were hurt and it was your fault. Seeing my friends burned, and knowing it was all my fault… it was hard.” </p><p>Blinking hard as if blinking tears from her eyes, Yasha kept her focus entirely on Frumpkin as she ran her heavy hands down his back with such a gentle touch that it was almost hard to imagine her with a sword in her hand, but Caleb had known her a long time and knew that on the battlefield covered in blood with a sword in her grip was where she was most comfortable. “How did you deal with it, afterwards? Because all I can think about is how foolish you are for forgiving me for all I have done and how easily you accepted me.”</p><p>“It was hard, in the beginning,” Caleb said. “I thought that they would never forgive me. I think that’s partly why I offered up the beacon to the Bright Queen when we were first in her throne room. In an effort to… hm. Regain their trust by getting them out of a deadly situation.”</p><p>A look of recognition seemed to flash across Yasha’s face. “Ah, now I understand. I was wondering why you had done that. You’re usually not so impulsive. I had no idea that it was because you felt guilty. I thought that it was because you were just trying to keep us safe.”</p><p>“Of course, it was that as well,” Caleb replied. “But it was also partially because I couldn’t find it within myself to forgive what I had done, even though it was not my fault, so I couldn’t comprehend why any of you would either.” </p><p>“I’m sorry that we made you feel that way,” Yasha said, voice quieter. Sensing a change in her mood, Caleb telepathically told Frumpkin to act cuter, and Frumpkin stuck his tongue out of his mouth a little and rolled around in Yasha’s arms to rub his chin against her palm in response. “I can’t speak for the others, but I was more worried than angry. I didn’t know at the time that you had been… possessed. I thought that we had upset you in some way to make you snap. I know how much you hate fire and… burning people.”</p><p>Caleb didn’t know what to say to that. He knew that Nott had accidentally let his past slip some to Yasha, but he wasn’t sure how much she knew. Was she referencing something in general, or just what she had observed from their time together? Did she know what he did? What he was? He shook his head to dislodge the thought from his mind and tried to keep the conversation on track. “I haven’t come here to make your pain less important. I’ve just come to tell you that it’s hard when someone takes away your free will and imposes their wants onto you. It’s not easy to have who you are taken and rearranged into something wrong. I’m very sorry that happened to you, but you’re not alone. Fighting pits and drinking at taverns and pretending that nothing happened is all well and good to an extent, but I suggest that maybe you speak to Caduceus, if nothing else. He has very good advice, and if you’re not in the mood for advice, he is a <em> very </em>good listener. I speak from experience.”</p><p>He gave her a few moments of silence to take in his words, but then she sighed through her nose and nodded. “Alright,” she said. “I think I might. Uh… thank you for this. I think I needed it.”</p><p>Standing, Caleb wiped his hands on his pants as if swiping off invisible motes of dust. “Not a worry, <em>mein freund</em>. It’s the least I could do. Jester and Fjord have been hovering around your room for hours and it’s a little distracting,” he said and she laughed. Cocking his head to the side, and watched her with Frumpkin for a moment, both comfortable with each other's company. “We’re leaving tomorrow morning. I have no need for him until then- how about you take care of my cat for me, <em>ja</em>? I’m sure he’ll be less difficult than Sprinkle.”</p><p>“Oh,” Yasha smiled. “Thank you. I uh, I would like that. And if you ever need another shave, all you ever have to do is ask.”</p><p>Caleb didn’t smile all that much, but this one came so naturally that it was almost surprising. “I know where to find you if that ever becomes the case,” he chuckled as he exited the room, staring at the floral mural, Frumkin warm and comforting in her arms, and left her alone in the darkness with his cat.</p><p>When he closed the door behind him as quietly as he could, he was not at all surprised to find Jester and Fjord waiting for him in anticipation. “Well?” Jester asked. “What happened? What did you say to her?”</p><p>“Nothing happened,” Caleb said honestly. “But she said that she would like to speak to Caduceus at some point. I’ve left her with my cat.”</p><p>“That’s all?” Fjord said. “What did you do?”</p><p>“I just spoke to her,” Caleb said, trying to move around them and further down the landing. “Nothing complicated.”</p><p>Fjord looked so confused it was almost funny. “You just <em>spoke</em> to her? Caleb, I mean no offence, but we’ve been trying to speak to her since she came back, and hours just today, so how the hell were you able to get her to speak by sitting with her in the dark for ten minutes?”</p><p>With his back now to them, Caleb shrugged and tried to hide the smile with his hair, but it didn’t really matter. “I don’t know. I think she just has a soft spot for cats.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The title is from this song by Alice Merton that I've only heard covered by 5SOS so have a listen to No Roots if you feel like it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4txv3A9ICQ</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>